I hear you, you have been through a lot, and caring this around feels unbearable.
Because losing a loved one (even an abusive one) creates that hole in your heart you will never be able to fill. You long for that person, and you think that if you had done something differently, you could save them. Logically, you know death is an inevitable part of life, but inside, you feel they are still alive, and you want them to be with you when you are sick or struggling in life.
Because your ex-partner seems not to hear you, misinterprets your words, or stonewalls you, you feel utterly alone. You want to crawl under the blanket in a fetal position and never leave the house (or closet, or bathroom, where you cried with a fan or water on, so nobody will hear you).
Because TikTok, Instagram, Facebook, YouTube shorts, or Netflix let you feel a bit better and numb you, but you waste 4-5 hours per day there, and you feel your life is slipping away from you like sand through your fingers.
Because you eat one doughnut at work and then buy a box of a dozen just for yourself, where “doughnut” is a symbolic representation of any high sugar, high salt/fat, or gluten-free item you use to soothe yourself, self-regulate, have a crush later, and start over again. If you soothe yourself with five servings of broccoli, stop reading this; I am not for you 😉
Because one pinch of criticism, a glimpse of rejection, or a demanding customer at work can set you off, and you spiral into a vortex of self-doubt, fawning, or irritation. And you so desperately need this to stop because it is ruining your career or personal relationship.
Because you are going through the divorce and you feel the grief of abandonment (even if it is you who initiated it), activation of all the losses, and rejections from the past stretches you so thin, you wonder if you will survive.
You have lost your sense of who you are, your purpose, and your drive. Instead, you have gained worry; the ground has been taken from under your feet, and your life feels shattered and broken into trillions of pieces of glass you will never be able to pick up.
Going through hard times has been my favorite life challenge for the last 4 years.
I have experienced most of the things I have mentioned above and thrive because I have tools, methods, insights, and knowledge to share with you so that you can thrive, too.
You have been through a lot, but you show up every day, hiding that pain and going through the motions.
You are trying to soothe yourself from the pain inside you, from the feeling that nobody loves you, or the thought that you are not good enough.
And it works. You get a temporary feeling of satisfaction that feels good and comforting.
But next time, that unpleasant feeling or your fear returns, and you need more.
Right before you want to go all in on self-distracting behavior, ask yourself questions:
– What emotion do I feel right now?
– What do I really need right now?
– What do I believe about myself, and who from my original family do I sound like?
Is the thought I am having right now true? What evidence do I have for this thought?
– What do 7-year-old me need right now?
You do self-sabotage because:
- You are disconnected from yourself, from your body.
- You lack or do not practice the skills of emotional regulation.
- You let your thoughts run your life without ever questioning their validity.
- You have not engaged in metacognition recently.
- Your brain likes familiar things and keeps protecting you from exploring new ways of being.
- You have not done Inner Child or Parts Work and do not honor your needs.
- You have not processed trauma.
Maybe working with a professional is a solution for you?
The information in this post is for educational purposes only.
Make a comment under this post, and we can schedule a free clarity call.
I have high expectations of you, and I believe in you.