Lana Hoskin

Lana Hoskin

Behaviors that are actually sabotaging your recovery from an abusive marriage.

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Are you doing the following things? Be honest with yourself and write down everything you are doing.

Checking his social media.
You release oxytocine, a hormone of love and connection. The feelings from those good bonding times with him will be reinforced. The circuit in your brain keeps looping. You start doubting your choices again, and possibly come back to him. Do you want the bad times to come back, too? Notice what happens before you have an impulse to check on him? Is it loneliness, or is it stress at work? Now, find a way to cope with those feelings without checking on him.

Silencing yourself.
By keeping a bad part of your relationship a secret, you invalidate yourself and minimize your suffering. Let those memories, thoughts, and feelings out. Document it. Feel it. Process it with a professional’s help. Write those down. How are those connected to your past, present, and future?

Drinking or partying.
Inability to feel positive emotions, constant feelings of guilt, fear, or engagement in risky behaviors/self-destructive behaviors are possible signs of PTSD. Do you want to drive the inflammation in your body if you don’t have to?

Isolating yourself.
Being alone feels safe, and you are protecting yourself from judgment. Meanwhile, you are missing out on opportunities to meet supportive people and release oxytocin with them, instead.

Avoiding decision-making.
You’re so used to relying on him to make decisions that you forgot you have power. You circulate between asking friends, AI, and parents, and still cannot decide. So, you procrastinate even more. People perceive you as unreliable.

Skipping church.
Anger at God. You lost faith, and you feel lost. If God loves me, why did that happen to me? What if God took you away from him? God tells us to forgive, but never to keep being abused.

If you recognize any of these patterns, respond to this post to schedule a Free Clarity Call or for my Healing Blueprint: Reclaiming Strength After Emotional Abuse.

 

Story of Olivia.

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I was in my last semester of law school when I met a woman in my class. Her name was Olivia. She was a beautiful, petite, naturally blond woman in her 30th, with quiet aristocratism and a calming energy. She had both strength and softness. Olivia shared a story with me; her voice was tired but with hidden hope.

“I have a husband… we met when we were very young. My parents were divorced. He was supportive and encouraging when I decided to go to law school. But when I got pregnant for the first two times, he told me to have an abortion, because he was building a business and we did not have time for kids. I prayed to God to forgive me when I went to do those abortions. He was very demanding and controlling from the beginning, but I liked it. I thought this was how a real man should be… after all, he protected my mom and me.”

She paused.

“He always controlled the money. When I got pregnant for the third time this year, he said he wanted a child. I lost the child due to miscarriage… he became enraged with me. He called me names at home but smiled with our friends. I wonder, sometimes, if he wants a child as a way to keep me dependent on him.”

She showed me a picture of her man. A dark-haired, brown-eyed, tall and handsome, charismatic and fit man. If she hadn’t told me what he had done to her, I would’ve never guessed he was abusive.

“He likes hunting,” she added, smiling. 

“So yes, I can not wait to graduate and start my law practice. When I get enough money, I will leave him. But… not for now. My mom would be against it; she likes him a lot. Sometimes, I feel like she likes him more than me.”

This story is based on real events. Names and identifying details have been changed to protect privacy. I never share a client’s story without explicit written permission.

👉 Want your story told? DM me. We can connect safely, and you can choose to give me permission to share your journey anonymously.

👉 Does this resonate with you? Write the comment to this post  “HEAL” to receive my free Healing Blueprint: Reclaiming Strength After Emotional Abuse. You don’t have to carry this alone.


#AbuseSurvivor #SilentSuffering #BehindClosedDoors #HiddenAbuse #BreakTheSilence #CoerciveControl

When will I feel better after the divorce?

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I hear you, you have been through a lot, and caring this around feels unbearable.

Because losing a loved one (even an abusive one) creates that hole in your heart you will never be able to fill. You long for that person, and you think that if you had done something differently, you could save them. Logically, you know death is an inevitable part of life, but inside, you feel they are still alive, and you want them to be with you when you are sick or struggling in life.

Because your ex-partner seems not to hear you, misinterprets your words, or stonewalls you, you feel utterly alone. You want to crawl under the blanket in a fetal position and never leave the house (or closet, or bathroom, where you cried with a fan or water on, so nobody will hear you).

Because TikTok, Instagram, Facebook, YouTube shorts, or Netflix let you feel a bit better and numb you, but you waste 4-5 hours per day there, and you feel your life is slipping away from you like sand through your fingers.

Because you eat one doughnut at work and then buy a box of a dozen just for yourself, where “doughnut” is a symbolic representation of any high sugar, high salt/fat, or gluten-free item you use to soothe yourself, self-regulate, have a crush later, and start over again. If you soothe yourself with five servings of broccoli, stop reading this; I am not for you 😉

Because one pinch of criticism, a glimpse of rejection, or a demanding customer at work can set you off, and you spiral into a vortex of self-doubt, fawning, or irritation. And you so desperately need this to stop because it is ruining your career or personal relationship.

Because you are going through the divorce and you feel the grief of abandonment (even if it is you who initiated it), activation of all the losses, and rejections from the past stretches you so thin, you wonder if you will survive.

You have lost your sense of who you are, your purpose, and your drive. Instead, you have gained worry; the ground has been taken from under your feet, and your life feels shattered and broken into trillions of pieces of glass you will never be able to pick up.

Going through hard times has been my favorite life challenge for the last 4 years.
I have experienced most of the things I have mentioned above and thrive because I have tools, methods, insights, and knowledge to share with you so that you can thrive, too.

You have been through a lot, but you show up every day, hiding that pain and going through the motions.

You are trying to soothe yourself from the pain inside you, from the feeling that nobody loves you, or the thought that you are not good enough.

 

And it works. You get a temporary feeling of satisfaction that feels good and comforting. 

 

But next time, that unpleasant feeling or your fear returns, and you need more. 

 

Right before you want to go all in on self-distracting behavior, ask yourself questions:
– What emotion do I feel right now?
– What do I really need right now?
– What do I believe about myself, and who from my original family do I sound like?
Is the thought I am having right now true? What evidence do I have for this thought?
– What do 7-year-old me need right now?

You do self-sabotage because: 

  • You are disconnected from yourself, from your body.

  • You lack or do not practice the skills of emotional regulation.

  • You let your thoughts run your life without ever questioning their validity.

  • You have not engaged in metacognition recently.

  • Your brain likes familiar things and keeps protecting you from exploring new ways of being. 

  • You have not done Inner Child or Parts Work and do not honor your needs.

  • You have not processed trauma.

    Maybe working with a professional is a solution for you?


The information in this post is for educational purposes only.


Make a comment under this post, and we can schedule a free clarity call.  


I have high expectations of you, and I believe in you.

Effects of your past destructive or abusive relationships.

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How do the effects of your past destructive or abusive relationships rob you of time that you could be spending on your self-care, your professional development, your kids, and your hobbies? 

 

  • Staring in space, at  work at play (could be disassociation)

 

  • Can not focus on tasks

 

  • Can not fall asleep ( feel like a zombie the next day, lower productivity)

 

  • Wake up in the middle of the night (eat more carbs the next day- gain weight- high inflammation- more doctor visits)

 

  • Can not wake up ( skipping morning exercise)

 

  • Do not have patience  (lost opportunities)

 

  • Anger and irritability ( losing loved ones) 
  • Feeling moody and ruminating (no motivation)
     

The list is going on. You might go to therapy, but you still struggle.  If you recognize those behaviors, it is time to reclaim your time and life.

 

We hold stress in our bodies.

 

While our bodies have inherent wisdom,  they need the right environment,  nutrition, and gentle movements to feel safe again.

If your world crumbles, you have to save yourself. 

1. The first step is to recognize that your world crumbles.

2. Analyze the intensity of your emotions, and record for how many days you feel unwanted emotions or feelings with the help of some apps (they are helpful)

3. Decide to ask for help, help yourself, or even better, both.

After you make a decision, comes the easy part (I know, I am funny):
SMALL ACTION and PERSISTENCE.

The best three ways to get out of a challenging emotional state are to involve three areas:

       PHYSICAL

      MENTAL

RELATIONAL

Physical.
Walking, boxing, weightlifting, hiking, dancing.
Playing with a pet, walking barefoot, cold showers, face in the bowl with ice, hot bath, or sauna.
Replace one soda with a glass of water, etc. Start the first step toward feeling better, including reclaiming yourself with better sleep. Sleeping better is crucial because research shows that if we miss REM, we tend to have a stronger emotional response to the same events we would easily brush off when we sleep well.

 

Mental.
Answer these questions:
What did I learn about myself?
What am I grateful for, despite the difficulty of the situation?
What was good today?
What was bad today?
What connection do I see between now, the past, and the future?
What can this experience teach me?

Relational.
Call a friend or a family member.
Volunteer.
Support a colleague or a stranger.
Do somatic exercises to connect to yourself (tapping, self-havening, shaking, rocking)

Choose 1-3 action steps and do them every day.
You will create an opportunity to escape the slump/distress/rage/sadness.
Make it last longer and more consistently, preventing you from entering an unwanted state.

Follow for more neuroscience-based tips 😉
Always consult a licensed professional for help, or call a crisis line if you cannot handle things yourself.