Are you doing the following things? Be honest with yourself and write down everything you are doing.
Checking his social media.
You release oxytocine, a hormone of love and connection. The feelings from those good bonding times with him will be reinforced. The circuit in your brain keeps looping. You start doubting your choices again, and possibly come back to him. Do you want the bad times to come back, too? Notice what happens before you have an impulse to check on him? Is it loneliness, or is it stress at work? Now, find a way to cope with those feelings without checking on him.
Silencing yourself.
By keeping a bad part of your relationship a secret, you invalidate yourself and minimize your suffering. Let those memories, thoughts, and feelings out. Document it. Feel it. Process it with a professional’s help. Write those down. How are those connected to your past, present, and future?
Drinking or partying.
Inability to feel positive emotions, constant feelings of guilt, fear, or engagement in risky behaviors/self-destructive behaviors are possible signs of PTSD. Do you want to drive the inflammation in your body if you don’t have to?
Isolating yourself.
Being alone feels safe, and you are protecting yourself from judgment. Meanwhile, you are missing out on opportunities to meet supportive people and release oxytocin with them, instead.
Avoiding decision-making.
You’re so used to relying on him to make decisions that you forgot you have power. You circulate between asking friends, AI, and parents, and still cannot decide. So, you procrastinate even more. People perceive you as unreliable.
Skipping church.
Anger at God. You lost faith, and you feel lost. If God loves me, why did that happen to me? What if God took you away from him? God tells us to forgive, but never to keep being abused.
If you recognize any of these patterns, respond to this post to schedule a Free Clarity Call or for my Healing Blueprint: Reclaiming Strength After Emotional Abuse.